Rediscovering Sexy

I bought a black lace bra last week.

I also learned that I am not a lace panties type of person, so I bought satiny boyshorts instead.

I have not been approaching undergarments as things that people, um, see.

For real, 100% true story here. Last summer, I went to my local Nordstrom’s for a bra fitting. “What are you wearing now?” they asked me. “38D,” I answered. “Yeah, that’s going to change,” they said. I walked out with 2 36Gs and a 36H.

For those who have never had to wear a 36H: those things are practically industrial equipment. They have steel reinforcements, and 5 clasps on the back. They cover around 40% of my torso. By the end of the day, they hurt: my ribs feel bruised. I cannot wear V-necks in them. Or anything sleeveless. Or anything with a low back. Or a wide neck. My sexiness level in these things is LOW.

So last week, in preparation for a (seriously? maybe?) overnight encounter, I went shopping. I went cautiously into my friendly neighborhood lingerie shop and said, “Um, hi. I am a 36G, and I want something sexy to wear, please?”

The lady was great, and helped me find the best options available. I have a really nice black lace bra, and I may order the same thing in white.

I think maybe I am more a white lace underwear person than a black lace underwear person?

But this is all just a part of a bigger matter, which is: I am feeling sexy again.

So a year ago, if you had asked me, I would have said, “I think I’m not a very sexual person. I don’t really experience sexual attraction. I don’t think of myself as sexy. I mean, I’ll do sex, to make my partner happy. But it doesn’t do anything for me.”

I was wrong.

I mean, I haven’t actually gotten to the sex part yet, but this last week has been a wild romp through fantasyland. I am definitely a sexual person, you guys. Like, OMG I am a sexual person. I keep getting hit by random physical memory moments at work and having to stop and catch my breath.

And it’s having interesting side effects on me.

I’ve started shaving my legs more often. I went clothes shopping. I scheduled both a doctor’s appointment and a dentist appointment, both well overdue. I am feeling… worth something. Desirable. And I want to be more desirable. I want to be fierce, and sexy, and amazing. I want to be wholly, absolutely, incredibly me. I am a woman, and I am young, and I am sexy.

And that is awesome.

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