Joshua works in the city, an hour from where I work. Getting together for lunches or a quick drink was not on the table. After work, any get-together was going to involve a few hours of driving. Since the weekend after we met I had the kids the whole weekend, we made plans for two weeks out: Friday evening, I’d drive up after work, and I didn’t have to be home at all, so I could stay as late as I wanted.
That two week period was a lot of fun for me. In a flash, I’d remember the feeling of his mouth on my neck, the way it felt when he tangled his hand in my hair. I’d be at work, and all of a sudden, it would be like I could feel his fingers on my thigh, and I’d need to stop and catch my breath. I was drifting in and out of an arousal state at snippets of memory, and I milked it for all it was worth.
If I was walking, and a memory hit, I’d close my eyes and just live in that memory. I’d let it move from memory to imagination, and let the sensation go. I’d see how long I could sustain the rush.
Joshua and I were trading a lot of text messages, and we got fairly explicit about hopes and tastes and expectations. I brought up some of the erotic imaginings I was having, and he was on-board. We would tease each other, planting suggestions, playing with words and images.
I went out shopping. I bought fancy underwear. I bought a nice shirt. We made plans to meet at his place, go out for dinner, and then stay in for a while.
The second week was even better than the first. I was listening to the archives of the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, and she had a guest on one episode who was talking about anticipation: the ice cream, he explained, always tastes best on the drive to the ice cream store. Well, I was driving to the ice cream store, and that was the greatest ice cream in the world.
On Friday, I sat in traffic for ninety minutes, then we went to a little restaurant inside a movie theater, which was awesome and fun and funny. It was good food and a fun conversation, with everything ramped up by the fact that we knew we had no plans after it other than learning each other a bit more.
I am not going to go into detail about the evening, other than to say it was fun. By the end of the night, we were contentedly snuggling on his couch watching John Oliver. At around midnight, I left to head home.
That was a little over two weeks ago now, and was the last time I saw him.
I really like Joshua. I do. I want to do things like meet him for lunch, see him after work for a quick drink and some conversation before I head home. But the reality is that he lives and works a functional hour and a half from me any time except weekends, and I simply don’t have enough weekends that I can get away to let us build anything real.
So last weekend, he was sick and had to cancel, which was fine and understandable. But this weekend, I have things going on, so I can’t see him. We were 5 weeks into this… whatever it is, and we’d managed to meet up for 2 of the 5 weekends. He has a busy work schedule, I have a busy life with the kids, and the distance is larger than it feels on a map. We were never going to grow anything real like that, and the thrill of anticipation was already shifting to a grinding sort of, “Okay, well, I guess I’m going to have to wrestle with the Friday traffic again: this blows” attitude.
None of these were good signs, and so I reached out to him. I felt a little bad about doing it by text message, but with the exception of one phone call and our three dates, that’s the only way we’d ever communicated.
“So, I’ve been kind of wrestling with this for a few days, but I think it’s probably best if we just let this thing go with us. I like you, and I’ve had fun, but the logistics of getting together are becoming more stressful than I’m really up for dealing with right now. “
He replied, a few hours later, with: “Okay… I get it. I’m sorry. I like you and had fun, too…”
I genuinely do wish him all the best. He’s a good guy, and deserves a great woman who can find him a better place in her life than I could.